MileSplit is the first to report on an ailment that has been affecting males distance runners throughout the world for many years. Long Distance Runners Syndrome, better known as LDRS, is what happens when smart, intelligent, and athletic males seem to repel women like kryptonite. If you are a single male distance runner who seems to have trouble landing a girlfriend, you might suffer from LDRS. We at MileSplit have compiled a list of symptoms pertaining to LDRS and advice on how to overcome them.
**Untrue Fact of the Day - The author of Superman was a long distance runner named Kryptonite. He is thought to have suffered from LDRS.**
Symptom 1 – Short Shorts
Who wears short shorts? That’s right you do. I bet you shave your legs too……..Don’t be ashamed we’ve all done it. Turns out girls don’t find it attractive when their boyfriend’s have better legs than they do.
Advice: If you want to land the women of your dreams without giving up your short shorts or shaving habits, then start wearing pants. Oh, and don’t invite her to your races.
Symptom 2 – Too Nice
“Does this make me look fat?” Chances are if she is not on the cross country team, then yes “this” in fact does make her look fat. With obesity rates on the rise there is a 1 in 3 chance that your lucky lady might be packing on the pounds. It is sad, but unless she runs, works out, or is on a strict diet there is probably nothing that can be done.
Advice: Don’t make the same mistake I’ve made so many times, by telling the truth. Instead, do what men have been doing for generations, LIE TO HER! “Babe have you been working out?”
Symptom 3 – Heavy Necklace
Congratulations, all your countless hours of training and sacrifice have finally paid off! You did it! You won your age group at the Nobody Cares 5k and just to prove it, you are going to wear that medal everywhere! Dinner that night, “Wait let me get my medal!” Church the next morning, “Wait let me get my medal!” School/work on Monday, “Wait let me get my medal!”
Advice: Unless you just won a medal at the US Championships or Olympics, the window of time to wear that medal is like 10 minutes. If your lady says “Oh that’s cute” it’s way too late!
Symptom 4 – Closet made for a queen
If you are anything like me, you probably have a running shoe collection that would make the first lady jealous. I’ve got a pair to go with my red shorts, a pair for my yellow shorts, a pair for my blue shorts, a pair for my fast days, a pair for my slow days, a pair for when I run slow and wear yellow, a pair for when I run fast and wear yellow, and these are only my summer collection. Unfortunately having a bunch of shoes isn’t very manly.
Advice: You remember that old pair of Asics that you save for yard work? As far as your date is concerned, that is the only pair of shoes you have. They are your school shoes, your work shoes, your dress shoes, and church shoes. She insists you get another pair, you respond “NO WAY!” You don’t have to tell her that you have 3 pairs on the way. If this seems a little morally shaky, refer to advice #2.
Symptom 5 – Friend Zone
We’ve all had that one female training partner that we’d do anything to have a shot with. She’s smart, attractive, and most importantly she is fast. You’ve tried to hint that you want a date, but for some reason you have fallen into the most inescapable black hole known to man, you have fallen into the friend zone.
Advice: You want to be more than just a training partner and her best friend? Then the next time you run together and she starts talking about her problem, leave her. Run as fast as you can away. Pretend a bear is chasing you, and at all cost do not listen. The moment you become a shoulder to cry on is the moment you become as attractive, to her, as her brother.
Bonus Advice: If you have read all 5 points and still have trouble landing a date, then again refer to # 2. LIE TO HER.
Girl – “Oh wow, you look like you work out a lot. Do you play any sports?”
You – “Yeah I used to be a football player, but I tore my epidermis chipping a fastball into the basket.”
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